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Q: Whats the difference between a viola and a violin?
A: Viola burns longer.

Q: Whats the difference between a trombone and a trampoline?
A: They make you take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Whats the difference between an accordion and an onion?
A: No one cries if you cut an accordion into little pieces.
Headset at HUGE corporate convention show; "Standby Pyro...Go Pyro...No...No wait!"

Over the window at the front of the Sound booth; (Ok, it was my booth)
"New phrases for the Sound Op to learn at Arizona Theatre Company:
1) Ow! Splinter!
2) Can you please clip my harness in overe there, sir
3) What is this speaker wire rated at? No, I mean for weight.
4) Yes, I can drive a 24' truck
Chris Babbie <>

I worked at a summer stock theatre this past summer, as many techs do. Our particular season called for a raked stage to be built for all 4 shows. Fun! However, it did take some time to get used to, since it was steeper than generally acceptable, nearly 2" / ft. Anyway, after the crew had gained the 'rake legs', so to speak, I had a truly evil idea. "Hmmm, I wonder how the actors'll do?" So, naturally, we made a game out of it. The rake was divided into 4 nearly equal sections, which were assigned randomly to the four of us who had built it. The actors and other staff were then assigned point values based on how much of an asshole they were, or on the likelihood that they would fall. We also added in such neat bonuses
as 10 points for a fall during a performance, 10 points for actually falling *off* the stage, 10 points for taking someone else down with you... you get the idea. It soon proved to be a huge let-down. A total of possibly 20 points was gained from the actors, director, and musos. Quite boring. Fortunately, the TD and PM from a local road house were in one day to work on electrics. FIELD DAY!! I believe that nearly 200 points were given up by those two alone! I even managed to snag an off-the-stage bonus! The winner, of course, ended up buying drinks that night.
So, if you're ever bored after getting that rake in...

A Stagehand and a Lighting Designer stood under the same falling truss, and both were killed. They arrived heaven together (all techies go to heaven...), and at the doorstep, St.Peter shaked their hands and asked for their last wishes. The LD was the quickest of the two, and said: " In all my life, I've always dreamt of the complete darkness. Could you please turn off all the lights for just one second?" St.Peter said that it might be difficult, but he turned on his headset and asked God if he could take down the grandmaster for a second. Fortunately, God was in the mood that day, due to enough coffee at the light-console, so he tapped the BO key. It went far beyond dark for a second, but when the light turned back on, heaven was gone as the stagehand had changed the scenery...
From: Gunner Kommisrud <>

We recently did a production of GUYS & DOLLS. And our stage manager called a wrong cue and the entire cast was leveled by the main curtain. I was running rail at the time. SWEET JUSTICE

Let's get our priorities straight around here: God said "Let there be light."
---Light Guy
You want God to be heard?
---Sound Guy
Thomas F Szczesniak <>

1/3 of the way through the opening show, very softly, no emotion, no
sarcasm, not sure which headset it came from. This comment is sure to put
the Stage Manager in panic.
--- "uh-oh"
Thomas F Szczesniak <>

"There is a little pyro that goes off during the show. We'll let you know
ahead of time. You're plenty far away from it."
---LD to newest truss spot operator
Thomas F Szczesniak <>

From: Jerry George <>
If All the World's a stage, and all the people merely players... ...Who the ##^@(%^ has my script?

Originally from OnStage! at - Mirrored at