This is an archive of a site from 1998 (originally hosted at http://www.nic.com/~porkchop/)
These pages predate modern HTML/CSS and are most definitely NOT valid anything
some browsers may not cope well but I felt the content was worth preserving :)
If you have any feedback contact me. Please note I am not the original author of any of this content.

Following are sevral noticies left on stages for the crews:
 
From: Ken Lager <klager@pipeline.com>
F Y I
Loft height is: 82.75 feet.
If you fell, it would take: 2.27 seconds to hit the floor.
Your velocity at impact would be: 72.94 feet per second,
which equals: 106.98 miles per hour.

 
From: Ken Lager <klager@pipeline.com>

Please be aware that the following clean-up fees are in place and will be STRICTLY ENFORCED:

Killing or maiming an actor: $10

Killing or maiming a dancer: $20

Killing or maiming a stagehand: $50 (to cover full disinfection of the stage area)

Killing or maiming pit musicians: NO CHARGE

An additional $10 is charged if the House has to dispose of the body (an extra surcharge of $1 per degree is added if the temperature is over100°, Minimum $10 charge)

In cases where the injured party is at fault, the fine will be assesed to their estate. Fines are assessed per incident Group rates are available

Your attention to safety is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your cooperation.

 
From: Ken Lager <klager@pipeline.com>
New fines:
Sound Police
  • Front-Of-House Offenses
  • Missed pickup $ 20.00
  • Missed tape cue $ 20.00
  • Late tape cue $ 50.00
  • Early tape cue $ 75.00
  • Wrong tape cue $ 150.00
  • Going on an uncalled cue $ 10.00
  • Not going on an uncalled cue $ 500.00
  • Failure to bail out clueless stage manager $ 0.01
  • Unauthorized bailing out of clueless stage manager OSTRACISM
  • Failure to duck out offensive orchestral players $ 35.00
  • Failure to duck out offensive vocalizations $ 55.00
  • Feedback $ 100.00
  • Falling asleep at console $ 20.00
  • Causing feedback by falling asleep at console $ 150.00
  • Audible snoring at console $ 75.00
  • Making audible rude comments on the performance $ 5.00
  • Failure to maintain correct mixing levels $ 150.00
  • Failure to correct glaring errors caused by designer $ 50.00
  • Correcting glaring errors caused by designer LOSS OF JOB

    • WIRELESS OFFENSES

  • Failure to mute faulty wireless $ 100.00
  • Failure to mute wireless when actor is not on stage $ 50.00
  • Failure to mute wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 2.00
  • Recording wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 0.00
  • Recording wireless while actor is gossiping $ 0.00
  • Listening to wireless gossip on headphones WHO'LL KNOW?
  • Self-serving use of wireless gossip $ 5,000.00

    • BACKSTAGE OFFENSES

  • Unauthorized use of wireless condoms $ 300.00
  • Recycling wireless condoms $ 300.00
  • Overzealous transmitter changes on opposite sex cast members $ 69.00
  • Overzealous transmitter changes on same sex cast members $ 66.00
  • Recycling batteries $ 20.00
  • Failure to recycle batteries $ 150.00
  • Failure to share vast wealth from recycling batteries with:
  • House Department Head DEATH
  • Stage Manager $ 5.00

    • GENERAL OFFENSES

  • Excessive whining $ 10,000.00
  • Excessive cheerfulness $ 15,000.00
  • Hiding/sleeping during load-in ELECTROCUTION
  • Hiding/sleeping during load-out HANGING
    •  
    Originally from OnStage! at http://www.nic.com/~porkchop/ - Mirrored at http://rmlx.co.uk/onstagehumour