This is an archive of a site from 1998 (originally hosted at
These pages predate modern HTML/CSS and are most definitely NOT valid anything
some browsers may not cope well but I felt the content was worth preserving :)
If you have any feedback contact me. Please note I am not the original author of any of this content.

Things They Never Said:

The Technical Rehearsal

It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
Take your time setting back.
There's plenty of room for more lanterns over here.
We've been ready for hours.
The head-sets are working perfectly.
The cue lights are working perfectly.
I can't hear the band.
The band have no complaints.
The whole company are standing by whenever you want them.
That didn't last long.

The Actor

Don't let's talk about me.
I really think my big scene should be cut.
This costume is so comfortable.
I love my shoes.
No problem - I can do that for myself.
No problem.
I have a fantastic agent.
I have no prospects of work for the forseeable future.
Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.

The Stage Crew.

That lantern is not in the way.
It may take a moment - I want to be sure the booms haven't been knocked.
We'll get in early tomorrow and do it.
No, no. I'm sure that's our job.
Anything I can do to help?
All the tools are carefully locked away.
Can we do that scene change again please?
It's a marvellous show.
I don't need this many on the crew.
Thanks, but I don't drink.

The Electrics Crew.

I must mend the kettle in the publicity office.
This equipment is more complicated than we need.
Of course I can operate sound from here.
Be sure to keep that lantern away from the flying pieces.
No problem.
I'll do that straight away.
All the equipment is working perfectly.
That had nothing to do with the computer - it was my fault.
I have all the equipment I need.
Thanks, but I don't drink.

Originally from OnStage! at - Mirrored at