1. If on headset, start humming "Roxanne" very softly. If anyone asks who is doing it, say nothing for five minutes, then begin again.

2. If your show is using a smoke machine, make sure you are the operator. When your cue comes, put your face directly in front of the smoke nozzle. Breath deeply, commenting on how this helps your respiration. If anyone asks you to move, begin to choke and writhe painfully.

3. Bring a teddy bear to rehearsal, saying that your bear Foo-Foo will be moving sets with the rest of the crew. Refuse to do any work until Foo-Foo does.

4. Form a union, calling it the United Backstage Workers Liberation Front. Burn effigies of the director.

5. Ask who else is getting paid $9.50 an hour.

6. Become the lighting designer. Refuse to use anything other than black lights.

7. When asked to come to the show in all black, show up in sunglasses, black boxers, black pants, a black t-shirt, a black sweatshirt, a black baseball cap with black lettering, black on black argyle socks, black sneakers, a black trenchcoat, and wrap black gaffer's tape around your face and hands. Comment to members of the opposite sex how fortunate you were to have the outfit handy. When they ask why, say something about the police having confiscated it after that episode in the bushes. Be evasive.

8. Say "oops" while on headset, then deny that you said anything in a very panicky fashion. Cover up the mike and scream for a fire extinguisher.

9. Show up drunk.

10. Insist that actors pay a fee each time they try to go onstage.

11. Run up to a random actor, yelling incoherantly. Babble something about the cue that he/she just missed. Run away.

12. Set fire to the cyc.

13. Set fire to yourself. (Use with caution)

14. If ever caught in the light while moving sets onstage, scream and go fetal. Crawl off stage very slowly, wailing piteously.

15. Several acts before it is set to go on, slowly and laboriously pick up a particularly fragile prop or set piece, preferably one that is essentially irreplacible. Act as if it weighed appreciably more than you can carry. Refuse all offers of help.

16. Fly pipes in the wrong way.

17. Sacrifice one prop per show to Dionysis. Follow with a one-man attempt at a drunken orgy.

18. Chain smoke near the flash pots.

19. Convince the rest of the techies to go with you to the campus dining hall while dressed in all black. Find a table large enough to seat you all, preferably with a few frosh sitting at it. Form a ring around the table and stare at the frosh until they flee. Claim the table for the show and carry it out of the hall.

20. Demand that the director let you perform an opening act for the show. When he/she refuses, do one anyway. Be creative.

21. Juggle the wireless mikes in full view of those who can appreciate how expensive they are.

22. During intermission, sneak up to the lighting booth and sit yourself down at the light board. Pretend you are Mr. Sulu on the bridge of the starship Enterprise. Answer imaginary orders from Captain Kirk and attempt to send the board to warp factor 6.

23. Move the spike marks of the most important piece of scenery in the show. When the shit hits the fan, blame a fellow techie.

24. Get a job working underneath the stage. Insist that everyone call you "Hades, Master of the Underworld." Set up H.P. Lovecraft-esque shrines to yourself. Indoctrinate several impressionable frosh.

25. Call cues in pig latin.